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Hugh had a belt round his neck when he opened the door to Kenny. It was looped through the buckle and pulled tight like a choker. Kenny wasn’t sure what to say about it, so he said nothing.
“Are you coming for a pint?”
“Yeah, okay,” said Hugh, stepping out of the house and closing the door behind him. Hugh loosened off the belt and then started to loop it through his jeans as they walked.
“That hurts,” he said, rubbing his neck.
“It can be dangerous you know!” said Kenny.
“Of course it is”
“Was it any good?” asked Kenny, clenching his fist and shaking it as if he was masturbating.
“Oh, right,” said Hugh. “No, it was nothing like that. I was trying to kill myself.”
Kenny laughed, “You had me worried for a moment there.”
“What do you think I am? Some kind of pervert?”
“Well, you’re not called Shagger for nothing!”
“That’s a matter of opinion,” said Hugh.
Thirty minutes earlier Hugh, Shagger to all who knew him, had decided that he had had enough of life and all that it had to offer him. He made the decision to try and kill himself. He was, however, only going to try. He had no intention of succeeding. The idea was to go as close as he could to the edge and see how it made him feel. He had some vague notion that his life would flash before him and that he would then find, amongst the trail of memories, a long forgotten reason to go on, something which would give him both direction and enthusiasm. He made a noose out of a belt and then threw the loose end over the top of the living room door. He then shut the door over to keep the belt in place and by relaxing down off his toes tightened the noose. Unfortunately Hugh only had two belts. The better of the two was real leather but had a large eagle motif as a buckle. This had a hook for securing the belt, which made it impossible to create a self tightening noose. The other belt was a cheap patent look plastic belt which came free with a pair of black polyester trousers that he once bought for a funeral.
As he relaxed down off his toes, the main flaw in his plan became apparent. The belt stretched with the weight of Hugh’s body. The noose did tighten enough to partially restrict his breathing but he was in no danger of having to pull back from the brink of death. He could have stood there all day without coming remotely close to passing out.
As Hugh stood there, deflated by the situation, his attention drifted to the TV in the corner. Hugh’s TV was switched on in the morning and stayed on all day, whether he was actually watching or not. The TV was treated very much like a radio, on in the background with Hugh dipping in and out of programmes. At that moment some daytime magazine was on. It was presented by a greying ex children’s TV presenter. This presenter had replaced another ex children’s presenter who had been sacked after it had been revealed that he was having a cocaine fuelled affair with his fiancé’s mother.
The presenter was either gay or sexless, which pretty much amounted to the same thing as far as Hugh was concerned. There he was interviewing a woman who taught pole dancing as a fitness activity. She was dressed in a diamond studded bikini and he was interviewing her with no more excitement that he had spoken to the previous guest, a grandmother who had just completed her fifth charity walk to Machu Picchu.
The recent history of daytime TV was flashing before Hugh’s eyes instead of his life. Daytime TV was Hugh’s recent life. At that moment he heard someone at the door. It was almost 11am. It would be Kenny looking to go for a drink. Hugh pulled the door forward to release the belt and ended his suicide bid.
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