Chapter 10 - Pitside Zombie

Committee meetings at the Pitside Social Club had been well attended since the decision was taken to give each committee member two complimentary drinks per meeting.

Andy brought over a tray of Pitside Zombies, a cocktail designed by the committee to make the most of their free drink allocation.

“Thanks Andy,” said the chairman. “Can we just start with the management update since you’re here?”

“Sure,” said Andy. He sat down. “Well, employment remains very low in the village which affects the level of disposal income. Combine that with the fact that most under twenty fives are not coming into the club due to their preference for illegal drugs and the trading position continues to be poor and declining.”

Everyone laughed.

“So,” said the chairman. “I take it you mean we’re not doing very well at the moment?”

“Pish,” said Andy.

“And it’s getting worse?” asked the chairman.

“It’s as pish as I can remember.”

“Any suggestions?”

“Either more people need to get jobs so that they have more money to spend, we need to start selling illegal drugs, or the government needs to win the war against narcotics and young people start using alcohol again to get wasted.”

“Any sensible suggestions?” asked the chairman.

“Not from me,” said Andy. “I better get back to the bar. Give me a shout when you want another drink.”

“Anyone else got any suggestions?” the chairmen looked around the committee.

“Events,” said Hugh. “We need to put on more events.”

“What kind of events do you mean Shagger?”

“Anything and everything.”

“What like fundraisers for the United Ulster Force,” said another committee member. “We only took £300 over the bar at the last one and we raised even less for the fund.”

“Well no wonder,” someone else commented. “What do they need a United Ulster Force for anyway? There’s peace in Ireland. It’s a joke, the whole thing. Do you know how many tickets we’ve sold for the next one? Ten! At that rate the bar won’t even pay for itself.”

“Ten tickets?” said Hugh. “I didn’t realise it was that bad.”

“Why would anyone want to go? It’s just paying to get in to your own club.”

“We could try and book a Karaoke,” said Hugh. “That’s always popular.”

“Well, you’re not getting an advance from club funds,” said the chairman. “You’ll need to fund it out of the ticket sales.”

“Look,” said Hugh. “I know these things aren’t as popular as they used to be. Less people have been turning up every time. But we can’t just cancel it. What would I say to Jaffa?”

“You could tell him to use some of the money he makes selling drugs if he really wants to. That’s assuming he ever gives anyone the money he gets from the fundraisers.”

There was a murmur of approval from the committee.

“Do any of you want to tell him that?” asked Hugh.

There was silence.

“Look, I’ll say to him that this will be the last fundraiser, but that’s as far as I’m willing to go.”

“Okay, onto the formal business,” said the chairman, keen to move on from talk of Jaffa. “First up, air fresheners. As you all know the smoking ban has had its effect on the smell of the place. Without smoke to cover all the other smells the place is stinking. We’ve had a company in who install automatic scent dispensers. They are installing the units next week, but we need to decide on the smell. There’s five choices…”

Hugh drifted off, thinking about Jafffa. How was he going to tell him? The guy was a psychopath and Hugh already owed him £500. Hugh had seen what Jaffa was capable of.

“Shagger! What do you think?” asked the chairman.

“Sorry,” said Hugh. “About what?”

“Cucumber fresh or Citrus Orange?”

Chapter 9 - A Star is Born

Lisa’s favourite film was ‘A star is born’. In fact her favourite films were ‘A star is born’. The 1954 version with James Mason and Judy Garland was her favourite of the three. She had seen the Barbara Streisand and Kris Kristofferson movie first and loved it, but the Garland version was hard to beat. She had, of course, also made a point of seeing the original 1937 film with Frederick March.

After Lisa first got together with Rob she had indulged herself in fantasies that pretty much followed the pattern of the movie. Rob had already broken up the band and despite doing a couple of things since, he had pretty much given up. Lisa meanwhile had been slowly building up a TV career. She had started as a junior reporter and was now the lunchtime entertainment anchor on the Scottish news. What’s more she’d managed to get a few slots on a networked holiday programme which had led to her own cable TV show. She was also in the running to present a new networked daytime show, Doghouse Makeover.

The idea of the show was to do a house makeover for dog lovers whose homes had been wrecked by their pets. The program would also build a state of the art kennel for the pooches to be relocated to in the garden after the makeover was complete. There were three people short listed for the show – Lisa, a weather girl and a former Miss Great Britain who was married to a footballer.

If Lisa could pull off the job, she would be living the movie. He was a declining star, she was a rising star. Of course it couldn’t last, she knew that, they were constantly arguing. As cruel as it sounded, though, she would really like to hit the big time before they split up. It might not be the romantic view of the movie but that is what happened in it. The rising star was helped on her way by her partner before he crashed and burned.

Rob had not opened any doors for Lisa, but he had made her more interesting in many people’s eyes. When she got a mention in TV World magazine she was introduced as holiday presenter and Rob’s girlfriend. He had been a national figure and to some extent he still was, although his fame was fading fast.

Lisa was well aware of her own cynicism and was untroubled by it. She had put a lot of effort into Rob. She had tried to steer him back to the music business, tried to motivate him. He had done a soundtrack for some low budget movie but that was it. If he didn’t take the opportunities when they came along there wasn’t much else she could do. It was a source of regret. A bittersweet regret, but regret nonetheless.

Lisa stood at the door of the media room looking at him. He was asleep in his recliner chair with a comic on his lap. A comic! This did not happen with Frederick March. It did not happen with James Mason. It did not happen with Kris Kristofferson.

A fucking comic! Where was the tragic dignity in that? True, he had taken all his gold discs down off the walls, but to lie there with a half drunk pot of coffee, a plate with the empty silver wrappers from some chocolate biscuits and some kind of kids comic on his lap! This was not the stuff of dreams.

Rob woke up, yawned and noticed Lisa standing, staring at the doorway.“Hi honey, how was your day?”

“Fine, how was yours?” she asked.

“Yeah good, I met up with Jack and Scott for lunch.”

“Scott told me. What’s that you’re reading?” she asked.

“Oh,” he sat up. “Orpheus Jones! You remember Frank McCusker, don't you?”

“Not really,” she said cutting him off. “What do you want for dinner?”

“Why don’t I head down to Byres Road and bring us both back a Chinese carry out?”

“Whatever,” she said. As soon as Doghouse Makeover comes through, that’s it, she thought to herself.